Sometimes I wonderI was taught, from a fairly young age, how to be an independent person. This has caused me to turn into the independent woman that I am now.
Where I've been
Who I am, do I fit in?
Make-believing is hard alone
Out here, on my own
We're always proving
Who we are
Always reaching
For that rising star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own
When I'm down and feeling blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you
Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears I've never shown
out here on my own
But when I'm down and feeling blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you
Sometimes I wonder
Where I've been
Who I am, do I fit in?
I may not win
But I can't be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own
~ "Out Here On My Own" by Irene Cara (from the movie Fame)
Sometimes, I wonder if this is a good thing.
Let me clarify that. It's not that I think it's a bad thing, not at all. I know that not needing anyone to help me accomplish things makes me a stronger person, but not needing someone to help and not wanting someone to help are two different things. One of the things that concerns me, though, is that I've become a little too independent for my own good—to the point that I can't open myself up enough to allow a partner into my life over the long term.
No, I don't need to have a partner to have a happy and fulfilled life. I've always been a believer in needing to be happy on my own before being in relationship. I haven't always been happy on my own when I've entered into a relationship, but I do think I (personally) need to be in order for my relationships to last. That's not to say that happiness is something that I don't need to foster on my own while in a relationship, that's sort of my point here. It would be really nice to have a person here to "pick me up" when I'm feeling a bit blue.
Don't get me wrong, I have some really amazing friends. People who I've been lucky enough to meet through a variety of means. They are great at cheering me up when I'm feeling down, or letting me wallow when I need to wallow. Each and every one of them is amazing in their own right, and each of them brings something into my life that I don't think I could ever quite do justice in describing. They are my support system, but most of them live in places other than where I do—some further away than others. And though I know most of them are never more than a phone call away, sometimes friends just aren't enough; no matter how much I love them and they love me.
I like things the way I like things. I'm old enough, and have been living on my own long enough, that I have a certain way of doing things, certain habits and behaviors that would not be so easily tossed aside at this point in my life. Does that mean I wouldn't change things to accommodate a partner? No, of course not. Relationships, by their very nature, have to include some compromise. Will it take some work for me to make adjustments when (if?) the time comes? Absolutely. But he'll be making some adjustments for me too, right? ;)
There will come a day when I have that special someone to share the joy and pain of life with, I hope. And hopefully, this old dog won't be so set in her ways that she can't learn some new tricks.
*Ode to Nik Kershaw.
8 comments:
You're never too old to learn new tricks because, you know, you're not a dog. ;-)
What AlleySong said. Also, and I know I'm going to say this badly but bear with me: when you are in the right relationship, many of your old attachments disappear as your identity melds with your partners into a life-form of its own. It won't be as hard as you think!
ali... You were supposed to say "because you're not old" on that one. ;)
bhd... I understand what you're saying, and I don't think you said it badly. I look forward to the day that I do let go of some of those things and forge ahead with a partner. We'll see if that day comes.
I worry some of the same things about my life. I like having a lot of time and space to myself - am I going to be able to let some of that go for someone else? I don't know.
it's funny. i saw the title and immediately heard that nik kershaw song in my head and was surprised not to read the lyrics!
you know how i feel about this topic. and the last paragraph of your journal says it all.
*hug*
I love that song. I sang it in a high school talent show . Everyone loved it too. The words touch so many people... There will come a day when you have that special someone..
Have a good weekend!
winter... I guess we're getting to "that" age, aren't we?
rebecca... Yes, I know how you feel about it. And it's nice that someone has some hope for me. ;)
miss song... It is NOT an easy song to sing, so kudos to you!
Perhaps there will be someone someday. One never knows what the future holds, that's for sure.
OK, I LOVE THIS POST.
THE RIGHT GUY IS OUT THERE FOR YOU...AND WHEN HE GETS THERE, WHATEVER ADJUSTMENTS ARE TO BE MADE, WONT FEEL LABOURED ... I PROMISE THAT.
WHEN YOU FIND THAT SOULMATE, THAT LOVE IT ALL COMES TOGETHER
YOU WILL FIND A PARTNER WHO NOT ONLY DIGS YOUR INDEPENDENCE, AND YOUR WAYS, AND YOU THE SAME
EMAIL OLD DEAR FRIEND, OK? XOXO
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