Wouldn't it be good*

Sometimes I wonder
Where I've been
Who I am, do I fit in?
Make-believing is hard alone
Out here, on my own

We're always proving
Who we are
Always reaching
For that rising star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feeling blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears I've never shown
out here on my own

But when I'm down and feeling blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Sometimes I wonder
Where I've been
Who I am, do I fit in?
I may not win
But I can't be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own

~ "Out Here On My Own" by Irene Cara (from the movie Fame)

I was taught, from a fairly young age, how to be an independent person. This has caused me to turn into the independent woman that I am now.

Sometimes, I wonder if this is a good thing.

Let me clarify that. It's not that I think it's a bad thing, not at all. I know that not needing anyone to help me accomplish things makes me a stronger person, but not needing someone to help and not wanting someone to help are two different things. One of the things that concerns me, though, is that I've become a little too independent for my own good—to the point that I can't open myself up enough to allow a partner into my life over the long term.

No, I don't need to have a partner to have a happy and fulfilled life. I've always been a believer in needing to be happy on my own before being in relationship. I haven't always been happy on my own when I've entered into a relationship, but I do think I (personally) need to be in order for my relationships to last. That's not to say that happiness is something that I don't need to foster on my own while in a relationship, that's sort of my point here. It would be really nice to have a person here to "pick me up" when I'm feeling a bit blue.

Don't get me wrong, I have some really amazing friends. People who I've been lucky enough to meet through a variety of means. They are great at cheering me up when I'm feeling down, or letting me wallow when I need to wallow. Each and every one of them is amazing in their own right, and each of them brings something into my life that I don't think I could ever quite do justice in describing. They are my support system, but most of them live in places other than where I do—some further away than others. And though I know most of them are never more than a phone call away, sometimes friends just aren't enough; no matter how much I love them and they love me.

I like things the way I like things. I'm old enough, and have been living on my own long enough, that I have a certain way of doing things, certain habits and behaviors that would not be so easily tossed aside at this point in my life. Does that mean I wouldn't change things to accommodate a partner? No, of course not. Relationships, by their very nature, have to include some compromise. Will it take some work for me to make adjustments when (if?) the time comes? Absolutely. But he'll be making some adjustments for me too, right? ;)

There will come a day when I have that special someone to share the joy and pain of life with, I hope. And hopefully, this old dog won't be so set in her ways that she can't learn some new tricks.

*Ode to Nik Kershaw.

...like a fish needs a bicycle.

Six o'clock in the morning
You're the last to hear the warning
You've been trying to throw your arms
Around the world
You've been falling off the sidewalk
Your lips move but you can't talk
Tryin' to throw your arms around the world

I'm gonna run to you, run to you, run to you
Be still
I'm gonna run to you, run to you, run to you
Woman I will

Sunrise like a nosebleed
Your head hurts and you can't breathe
You been tryin' to throw you arms around the world
How far you gonna go
Before you lose your way back home
You've been trying to throw your arms
Around the world

~ "Tryin' To Throw Your Arms Around The World" by U2

I feel like I'm standing still while everyone else around me is progressing. I don't know if that's the right way to describe what I'm going through, but it seems to make sense to me, phrasing it like that at the moment.

I don't know if all of you went through a period in your life where it seemed like all of your friends were getting married, and then starting to have kids, but I did—when I was in my early to mid-twenties. Now, I'm experiencing a second phase of that. Younger friends are entering into serious relationships, friends in my age bracket that got married a little later in life are having kids, friends in my age bracket are getting married for the second time in their lives, and other friends are happily ensconced in their first or second marriages already.

I don't fit into any of those categories, and it's making me feel a bit like a fish out of water.

My life doesn't seem to follow a path similar to most people I know. That goes for those that are my own age, as well as those that are not. I'm not saying that I want to be like everyone else, that I don't enjoy the uniqueness that is me, but it does feel a bit unsettling at times. And it makes me wonder what the future holds for me.

I voiced this to my sister this weekend. We had a rare weekend of time alone together, and it gave us an opportunity to talk a bit. I explained how it's not something I dwell on from day-to-day, but that lately it had crossed my mind a bit more often. For as much as my sister and I are alike in many ways, our lives have taken different paths—yet there are very few people in our lives that know us as well as we know each other.

She told me that I can't know what might be in store for me. She's right.

But that doesn't make me feel any less like a fish out of water.

But somehow the vital connection is made*

Into you so far our words go
So much clearer than you hear
Into you goes everything I know
No one else knows how I feel

Farther down I'm desperate for you
Where you never have to know
Farther down I'm still without a clue
Just something, something takes my pain away

Only chance can change my fortune
So I'm not sure why I try
As if I could swim the ocean
As if you could start to fly

Farther down I'm desperate for you
Where you never have to know
Farther down I'm still without a clue
Just something, something takes my pain away
Something takes my pain away
Something takes my pain away

Farther down I'm desperate for you
Where you never have to know
Farther down I'm still without a clue
Just something, something takes my pain away
Something takes my pain away
Something takes my pain away
Something takes my pain away

~ "Farther Down" by Matthew Sweet

Have you ever found yourself liking someone more with each conversation, with each passing day, and without ever having been in their physical presence?

I thought some of you might have.

It's a very strange place I find myself in. There are all sorts of reasons why I shouldn't continue to allow my feelings for this person to grow, yet I can't seem to stop it from happening. I don't know that I want to stop it from happening either. I'm enjoying this feeling of exploration, of familiarization, of connecting... and I'm not willing to put an end to it yet.

There is no harm in it. There is no one that is being hurt by any of this. There are just some circumstances that could cause some problems, but I guess that is a bridge that can be crossed should we get to it.

For now, I think I'm just going to see where this takes me. For now, I'm going to enjoy the ride.

*Thank you, Elastica.